As humans, we have an innate desire to create connections and build secure relationships. Communication plays an important role in maintaining these relationships. People communicate in different ways, including passive, assertive, and aggressive styles.
Signs
Most people find it hard to speak up or say no sometimes. It may be time to reach out when keeping the peace leaves you worn out, resentful or unsure of what you need.
How counselling helps
Early on
With your counsellor, you look at when speaking up feels hard and where that pattern may come from, like how conflict was handled when you were growing up.
As you go
You practise clear, kind ways to say no, plus somatic tools, which use the body, to calm the racing heart or tight throat that can come with speaking up.
Over time
Step by step, you try new boundaries in daily life, notice how they go, and build relationships where your needs and other people's needs both count.
Approaches
Where
About
As humans, we have an innate desire to create connections and build secure relationships. Communication plays an important role in maintaining these relationships. People communicate in different ways, including passive, assertive, and aggressive styles. Assertiveness is the middle ground between passivity and aggression. It respects personal boundaries while still allowing clear expression of needs.
Expressing assertiveness helps you communicate your needs while maintaining a strong sense of self. It also allows others to have experiences that may be different from your own. Setting healthy boundaries reinforces that every person has the right to protect and defend themselves.
People who score ‘thin’ on boundaries tend to be more open, trusting, and vulnerable and have a rich fantasy life. They can struggle to distinguish between their own and other’s needs. People with very ‘thick’ boundaries tend to be solid, organized and sometimes too rigid and tend to be insensitive to the damage their boundaries can cause. Awareness of one’s boundary levels, purpose and impact are all useful places to reflect when it comes to boundary setting.
One of the most severe consequences of trauma is the collapse of boundaries, not just in the moment that caused trauma but as a lasting effect. Their bodies are in a reponse state to threat- to their physical and emotional well-being. This impacts their sense of identity as it can be challenging for them to understand where ‘they’ end, and ‘others’ begin. They can easily go into states of fight, flight, freeze or fawn due to the dysregulations in their nervous system. The feeling of unsafety generates the belief that others are not to be trusted, or they feel the need to please others to avoid ‘threat’. Boundaries either become non-existent or rigidly maintained, with the primary purpose of avoiding all threat or any possibility of real connection, depending on the type of trauma. People with developmental trauma have a hard time with trust as their caregivers or loved ones abused their trust or safety during childhood. This can lead to rigidly maintained boundaries, or aggressiveness in some.
It is also important to understand that societal and systemic factors such as income inequality, gender roles, racism, and institutional violence can influence how individuals experience and express boundaries. These experiences are often explored in social anxiety counselling, women’s therapy, and culturally sensitive counselling services in BC, Canada.
Counselling supports individuals in understanding their emotional triggers, attachment patterns, and communication styles. Therapy helps people learn how to express needs, build confidence, and develop emotional regulation skills in a safe and supportive environment.
At No Fear Counselling, we offer CBT therapy, trauma counselling, somatic therapy, emotionally focused therapy (EFT), and relationship counselling in Surrey, Burnaby, Vancouver, Coquitlam, Langley, andRichmond to help clients build stronger boundaries and healthier relationships.
Through counselling, individuals can develop greater self-awareness, improve emotional balance, and strengthen their ability to maintain healthy connections while respecting both their own needs and those of others.
References
Dombeck, M., & Wells-Moran, J. (2006). Setting boundaries appropriately: Assertiveness training. Retrieved March, 15, 2011.
Hartmann, E. (1997). The concept of boundaries in counselling and psychotherapy. British Journal of Guidance and Counselling, 25(2), 147-162.
Heitzler, M. (2013). Broken boundaries, invaded territories: The challenges of containment in trauma work. International Body Psychology Journal, 12(1), 28-41.
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FAQs
Can't find your answer? Ask us a question.
There is no test you need to pass to start. Many people reach out when saying no feels almost impossible, when they often feel resentful or taken for granted, or when a disagreement leaves them anxious for days. If holding back keeps getting in the way of your work, relationships or rest, counselling can give you a calm place to look at why. You can share as much or as little as you like.
No, being assertive means saying what you think and need clearly and respectfully, while still caring about the other person. Aggressive communication pushes other people aside, and passive communication puts your own needs aside. Your counsellor can help you find an assertive style that still feels like you, not someone louder or harsher.
Guilt is very common when you start setting boundaries, especially if you learned early on that keeping others happy helped you feel safe or loved. Feeling guilty does not mean you did something wrong. In counselling, you can explore where the guilt comes from, using approaches like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which looks at how thoughts shape feelings, and learn to stay steady while new habits form.
Yes, you can include a partner or family member if that feels right for you. Some people prefer to work on their own first, while others find it helps to practise new ways of talking together. Some of our counsellors use emotionally focused family therapy (EFFT), which helps family members understand each other's feelings and needs. You decide who joins, when, and whether you would rather keep sessions just for you.
Yes, you can meet your counsellor online from anywhere in BC, or in person at one of our offices. Online sessions can be a comfortable way to practise speaking up from a space where you already feel at ease. We also offer a free 15-minute consultation by phone or video, so you can ask questions before you decide anything.